Day 76: My Greatest Test.

When I started my 90 day adventure I hadn't really anticipated all of the things that could have gone wrong because it would have been difficult even if everything had gone right. Many things have not gone as planned and I've adapted and did my best. Currently I am suffering from a sore throat. I can't think of anything that would make my 90 day challenge more difficult then the inability to sing. The first thing usually feel when something goes wrong is frustration which leads to anger which leads to sadness which hopefully leads to surrender. Simply accepting the situation as it is. Sometimes I feel that surrender and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I get stuck in sadness and that's not a happy place with lollipops and cotton candy. It's more like cigarettes and whiskey sour. Or maybe 10 whiskey sours until I pass out.  Last night I went to the open mic at Canters. It was a comedy of errors. My main guitar is currently being fixed because of a crack so I brought my backup. Inside the guitar is a battery which allows for it to be plugged into the PA system which allows for the guitar to amplified. Since I never play this guitar I didn't check to make sure the battery was good and just my luck it wasn't. So then they miked up the guitar. It was feeding back. The gentlemen who runs the open mic then setup my microphone and left the room. So I started and the microphone stand was fallen down and my guitar was barely audible.  A friend of mine was nice enough to try and lift it up during the song. On top of that my voice sounded like Chewbacca. I was hoping it would be healed but it seems like it's going to take a few more days. I left feeling pretty fucking shitty. There is no great lesson in this post. No aha moment. Right now I am questioning whether I should continue. A few nights ago I played guitar in the Promenade. I did it late at night with very few people around. I felt I was running naked on the 405. It was humbling. I am being tested to an incredible degree. My body hurts. My mind hurts. What to do?

Day 70: Brush It Off.

It has been awhile this I am have done an entry so I thought I'd check in for any update. Today is my 70th day of my 90 day adventure. This past Sunday I performed at the Viper Room. It was a part of event that a friend of mine Yong Taing put on. Everybody who played at the event works for a certain company rhymes with Snapple. I'll let you fill in the blanks. I was supposed to work on Sunday but I called in sick because I was wanted to be relaxed for the event rather then feeling stressed out and racing from work. It was a great night. I played 4 songs by myself and 2 with a drummer and bass player. I did well. I got alot of nice compliments.  The speaker system in the Viper Room sounded great which is a change. I am used to playing in dives where nobody gives a shit about you or if it sounds good. Afterwards a few of us went to Fat Sals where they have these crazy sandwich's. My included hot dog,hamburger,chips,potato salad, and some other stuff. It was really good actually. I got home around 1:30pm and hit the hay. I have been getting up early many days so I woke up at 7:30am. In hindsight I probably should have got so more zzzzzzzzzzz's. I practiced a new song, went to the park, did a bunch of errands. At 6pm I headed to the Santa Monica Promenade to perform. I got there about an hour early to secure a spot and I chose to go near the apple store in the middle of the block. Bad idea. When I started it was so noisy I could barely hear myself and a kiosk who was playing Electronica turned there music as well so I decided to pack up and change spots. I found a space, unpacked and started to sing. I did alright for awhile but then my contacts were really bothering me and I started to get tired. Seventy days will kick your ass a little bit if you know what I mean. So I couldn't see and I was practically falling asleep standing up. Not exactly a recipe for success. There is a great lesson. When I figure it out I'll you know! Ha, Just kidding. The lesson is that some days you are going to kick ass and other days things just don't go your way. The real question is what are you going to do the next time. For me rain or shine I am committed to playing. But the real question is can I brush off one shitty performance and remember the great one. The answer is I am working on it.

Lessons Along the Way.

I have learned some valuable things on my 90 day journey. One of the greatest things I've learned is to not make assumptions. I'll give you an example.  I was at an open mic at a  coffee house that has open mics every night of the week. There are alot of comedians who go there. During my performance there was a women sitting in the front with her arms crossed wearing a nasty scowl on her face. During my second song it kind of threw me. I was in my head and not present. Anyhow I finished and watched the rest of the performers including Miss Frowny face. When it was her turn she explained that it was her first time doing open mic and that she was nervous. She did pretty well considering it was her first time. After everybody was finished the performers we chatting. As I was walkimg by Miss Frowny Face she said to me, "nice job". My inner dialogue was like, " What, is that the same women? I'm confused, but ok". In hindsight I believe she was nervous and probably in her own head. That scowl probably had nothing to do with me. Another lesson i've learned is to not judge what I think a situation means, good or bad. Perhaps if just is. I'll explain. There are some days where I'll make $40 in the Santa Monica Promenade and other days I'll make $2. In my mind I like to judge my performances there by how much money I made but this doesn't tell the whole story. For instance last night I played in the Promenade and I would say I did all but one song well. I made $5 and a homeless man actually gave me a dollar. That felt like a $100. I have made more money on other days. Was I ten times better? No.  The right people just happened to walk by on those days. 

Day 50: Good Luck Is On The Way.

Before I started my 90 day performance challenge I realized that there would be many days where the only place that I could play would be at the Santa Monica Promenade simply because I would be working during an open mic. About 5 years ago I had played in the Promenade and I thought I had the right equipment I needed this time. Much to my surprise when I hooked my equipment I got no sound. Since there is no power outlets in the streets you have to work off of a battery. I used a car battery which many performers do in Santa Monica. So I went to Autozone and they tested my battery. The salesman told me I needed a new one. I wasn't sure if I should believe him. The car repair business and honesty don't always go together but I took a leap of faith and bought a new battery. I took it home praying that it would work. I hooked it and what did I hear, a giant hum that made me cringe. By the way this the condensed version of this story. It was far more annoying then I am even describing. Anyhow so at that point I was like WTF,  I am going to return everything that I can and find an amp that works on regular batteries. I researched different possibilities online and finally decided on the Roland BA 330. It is only 30 watts but I figured I am playing in the street. How much power do I really need?  To make a long story short. The amp was wimpy and it distorted when I started singing loudly. While playing down at the Promenade I noticed alot of people using a Crate amp so I looked into it and ended up returning the Roland amp and getting the Crate amp. I have been using the Crate for around 10 days. It was a big improvement however I noticed that the reverb wasn't working on the guitar channel. Basically reverb makes you sound like your performing in a room. It is something that the masses don't know about but it is used on everything whether your in the studio or live. Without it instruments,voices sound flat, like a pancake. Mmm, pancakes. So today I went to Guitar Center and had them test out the Crate amp and indeed it was not functioning properly. Last week I discovered a giant crack in my guitar. Given the level of annoyance I think I am doing alright. I have had my share of bad luck. Perhaps some Good luck is on the way.

Day 48: A Place to Call My Own

I haven't blogged in awhile but today I needed to vent a bit. I am going to be moving soon. I told my landlord today.  I have to be out of my current place by July 31 and this is stressing me out! This is going to be a good move once it's over. My own place! That will be awesome. Privacy to write and practice my music will be huge. Should I ever attract a young lady it will be nice to have a single then too. I pray that my luck turns around in that area and in general. Tomorrow I am going to check out a place. It is only 500 square feet. I am not sure if that's big enough but I also don't know if I am going to do any better for $1100 in my neighborhood. So while I am stressing out about a new apartment I am still performing my music every day. Today I went to the Promenade and performed in the evening. I received very few tips or listeners. It felt like I was masturbating with my guitar. I left feeling really disappointed. It is very difficult for me to deal with disappointment with my music. I take it very personally. My head was so cloudy today. I probably wasn't all there. When I was leaving and getting in my car I got a text from a friend who just listened to my music on soundcloud. He said you got talent, keep at it. The same thing happened two days ago.  I left the Promenade feeling like I had sucked and somebody said to me on the way to the car " Thanks for entertaining us" and I replied with Thank you. Maybe there is somebody watching out for me.  I don't know maybe it was just a coincidence. There is no real message in today's entry but I am going through a lot of change that is uncomfortable yet necessary for growth.

Day 38 : Is that too much to ask?

So tonight I went to the open mic at the Unurban Cafe in Santa Monica. Earlier in the day there had been a mass shooting within a mile of the cafe. I performed quite well and got some nice compliments. That is always nice. At around 10:00 I decided to take off for the night. I was walking to my car and I woman stopped me and starting talking to me about the shooting that had happened today.  Perhaps it was because I was wearing a New York Yankees hat. She was a New Yorker or perhaps it was for some other reason.  Anyways I could see that the days events had really scared her. I guess since I don't live over there I wasn't as freaked out or maybe it's that I am so desensitized to violence having lived in LA for awhile. We talked about all different kinds of things. I think she was just looking for somebody to connect with. What's funny is that right before I left the open mic I was feeling really lonely. I even texted that to a friend of mine who also happens to live in Long Island.  Perhaps the universe knew that we both needed somebody to talk to. It is far too uncommon in LA to talk to strangers. She commented on how almost all her  relationships have become transactional. Los Angeles is a spread out town. Everybody is doing there own thing. It can be a lonely place. I'm not saying the movie Crash is a perfect depiction of LA but I think there is some truth in it. Wouldn't be nice if you knew your neighbors. I honestly don't know anybody in my neighborhood other then the guys who live upstairs. I once said hi to my next door neighbor and the woman looked at me like I was from Mars. While Mars is nice and all. There is no breathable air. I prefer Earth and I also like to live in a place where I knew my neighbor and perhaps at the very least I could at least say hi. Here is my request. Be nice. Be honest. Is that too much to ask?

Day 36: Introducing Jeff 2.1

So I am on day 36. Before I get to the guts of this entry I wanted to report that I did get a battery powered amp and I used it in Santa Monica yesterday. It is a major improvement over no amplification. Ok moving on to the heart of the matter. The last few days my energy has been a little off. It's like the Three Ring Circus decided to have a party in my belly. I'm not really sure why. Perhaps it is because I am worried about my new living situation or the fact that my lease is up for my car in September.  Both of those things lead to a bigger thing which is about money and self worth and can I afford to get my own apartment. Will it be conducive to playing music? Will I be able to sing in my apartment without people complaining. I suppose the unknown is scary to me. There are so many unknowns in my life right now. When my life starts to feel out of control I start telling other people what they think they should do as if I some sort of expect on life. Survey says. Gong. It is an attempt to control my own situation. Perhaps I am right about whatever it is I am pontificating about but it is often advice that was never asked for. It comes from a place of fear. So for all of those I have done to recently I'm sorry. I guess the one positive thing I can take from it is that I am actually aware of this flaw. Awareness is step one. I am human and I am making mistakes and learning. I only thing is I wish it wasn't so painful. Last night a gentlement  commented to me that I was cool as a cucumber. It's funny that people think that about me. I suppose I tend to look stoned even when I'm not. The truth is I am neurotic Jew from New York who has tried very hard to learn to sked that skin. I am who I am. I am going to do my best to be a better version of me. Like a newly released Software program. Ladies and Gentlemen. Boys and Girls. I give you......................  Jeff 2.1

Day 32: Something has shifted.

I am on a break from work. I am eating at Short Order at The Grove. I am on the second floor overlooking 3rd St. It is quite beautiful. Somehow I always seem to write an entry when I am eating. I am pleased to say that I feel intensely alive today. I am doing my music and people are enjoying it and recognizing my talent. It feels incredible. Nothing could bring me more joy. After playing at the Pig N Whistle on May 24th I said to a friend that I really needed to book gigs at other venues. Well the universe delivered. I booked 3 gigs since then. My next gig is at the world famous Viper Room. A week ago I was tired and not enjoying the experience but something has shifted. For years I felt that I was just spinning my wheels playing music but I am finally getting genuine encouragement. Somebody today said to me "hey we should really get a group together to come see you". That hasn't happened to me in the past and if I did I was so deaf I couldn't hear it . Somebody commented to me at work that I had a glow about me. Another person texted me that " Your great, your going to make it". This is somebody I just met. Something is happening and can't even really explain it. 

Day 28: Slow to Burn.

Last night I went to see Hanna Rae Beale at the House of Blues on Sunset. She is a new friend I met at open mic. She is far beyond her years. I wish I was as good as her at 20. I suppose everything in life has always taken me a little longer then everyone else.  I started kindergarten at 6 when most people start at 5, in the third grade I was placed in resource class and had an uphill battle all throughout middle school and high school, I took 6 years to graduate college, and it has been almost 10 years in LA and I just starting feel like I am on the cusp of something great. Maybe there is a reason for it. Maybe I am like Rocky with a guitar. I don't really know why but as I like to say "it is what it is". You cannot fight your current circumstance. You have to accept where you are in order to move beyond it. Awhile ago a friend from work said to me at one of my performances "Your so pure, it's like your speaking for all of us". This was the best compliment I've ever received. Perhaps the ride I've taken was meant to humble me, to give me perspective. There is only way to find out. To Keep on Living and to pray that oneday they'll be calling my name. And the artist of the year is............. 

Burgers and Back Pain

I am currently sitting at the restaurant The Counter. I haven't been here before. This is my treat to myself for Memorial Day and the fact that's it's a paid day off. My jaw and shoulders are really bothering me today. I have lived with some sort or ache or pain since I was 20. I used to talk  about more but after awhile I sensed people felt like I was complaining or just making it up. I have learned to live with it but some days I am really in agony. The spirtual teacher Eckard Tolle talks alot about the pain body. The way I understand it, it is a seperate part of my mind that attacks when your thoughts turn negative. At first it's sounds insane but think about it. It's like the classic seen in the movies with the angel and devil sitting on your shoulder.  He says that when I person is so cut off from his emotions that the only way to feel your emotions is the physical body. Perhaps that is what I am experiencing. Even just writing this I feel like whoever reads is going to say "Wow, Jeff is lunatic" but regardless even that thought is sends me to the pain body. Awareness is good start. That's enough for today. Oh by the way that burger was the bomb. Thumbs up for The Counter. 

Day 25: Crooked Lines and Black Roses.

I haven't written an entry in a few days, four days to be exact, because I feel like I'd be repeating myself. When people ask me how I'm doing with my 90 days I always say good. The truth is somewhere in the middle. I have experienced some really cool things and some major frustration. Some life changing things have happened as well. My roommate and I have decided to go our separate ways in August. We have lived together for 6 years which is a very long time. It almost feels like a divorce but a good divorce. It was mutual. We both are ready to have our own place and our own space. We started out as good friends and things are deteriorated over the last number of years. This is definitely going to be a change. Do I think it's the best thing for me at this time. Absolutely. Does it make it easy. No, change is never easy. We are creatures of habit and we get used certain things and even when those things aren't comfortable we are used to that routine. The same thing is true with my routine as a performer. I am going out every day and some days I really just want to go home and watch Mad Men, a basketball game, or whatever. So it's not always comfortable. Some days I am really in my head and other days I am able to let go. It is not a straight line but more a crooked line. There are ups and downs. I would like to get to a place where I am enjoying the journey and not stressing. Lastly I wanted to acknowledge that I have been so focused on what I'm doing that I haven't really been listening to others in many situations. I am off on some other planet thinking about myself. This is often not a sunny place but a place filled with Black roses. I'd like to leave Lala land and join the rest of the world because there are some pretty cool people living in LA.

Day 21: Willing to Fail.

Tonight I finished up work and ran over to the Tribal Cafe to a mostly empty room. There were a few comedans at the open mic.  I had the honor of going last.  I think I sounded pretty good considering I just came from work. I always try to be the best and compare myself to the best performers. When I feel I fall flat of that I am disappointed. I suppose this is a double edged sword. It's good that I have such high standards but when I don't meet my expectations I am bummed.  I keep showing up regardless of whether I perform well or not. Showing up is half the battle. I heard Michelle Obama saw in a commencement speech that you have to be able to willing to fail in order to suceed. Right now for the first time in my life I am accepting my failures. I don't like them but I am accepting them and continuing to fight. . When people ask me how my 90 day challenge is going I'm not really sure what to say, so I say good. It is going well but maybe not in the way that people think or would want me to say. People like to see the finished product and not the work that goes into it. Who would want to experience all of the failures that it takes to make dust into a diamond. Right now I am experiencing the process, learning the value of committment, and learning to push through doubt from myself and others. Say yes I am doing well. Is every performance. No, but I am showing up.

Day 19.5 Questioning the Process.

This the first time I am writing 2 posts in one day but I will like I need to vent. Today I got down with work at 8pm. It was a long day and I was tired. I headed over to Cantors Kibitz Room in Hollywood. I saw some people that I have been seeing at different open mics and that was nice. I probably should have sang a bit in the car but I didn't. I was feeling like singing my song "Someday". It is a bit high in the chorus section and I didn't sing at my best. This has happened many times recently. I am questioning the process. In order for me to sing at my best I have to be well rested and relaxed and tonight I was neither. I will acknowledge that the point of me doing this challenge is more spiritual in nature and not necessarily all about music but it's difficult when I don't perform at my best. That voice is my head that tells me I'm not good enough starts to get really loud. I hate when I know I wasn't at my best. I want to get better of letting go. The person who I hurt the most is myself. Ok time for bed. Going to do it all over again tommorow.

Day 19: Ready for Tommorow

Everyday presents new challenges. There is tension and pressure wherever you go, especially in the city of LA. Sometimes that tension comes from the outside world and sometimes it comes from you. Ultimately we are facing the same assignment but with different characters. Sometimes these people are from the past and sometimes they are standing right in front of you and sometimes you simply have to look in the mirror. For me being present is incredibly difficult. My mind is often drifting. I have always been this way. Sometimes I am aware of it and others times I am in Never never  land.  A friend told me recently that when he talks to me that it's like he's talking to a brick wall. I was probably thinking something like"what am i going to do about the 3rd line the chorus. It's so close but oh darn, what should it be!!!" No matter what the day or person i'm talking to this is always a challenge for me. I think life is the movie Groundhog Day. We relive the same things until we get them right or least until our awareness is very deep.  Change is uncomfortable. Even if our current situation is not what we would desire we are used to it and we become comfortable with our uncomfortableness. The point is that I haven't been present and I haven't been honest despite my best intentions. Major changes are on the way because I am willing to fail, I am willing to speak up, i am willing to admit that i was wrong and this is a new experience. So if you see me in Never never land please be patient and also please let me know because I have relived this day many times and I am ready for tommorow. 

Day 17: Death before Decaf

Currently I am sitting inside the Unurban

Cafe. They use a lottery system so I could be here awhile. It is a rugged unpretentious coffee shop in Santa Monica. The place definitely has character. There motto is "Death before decaf.  I opted for tea inside of coffee. Coffee often makes me anxious.  Things are shifting in ways I don't even understand. I have done mediation/yoga in the past. It would be great to get back into that sometime soon. So I did one original and one cover song tonight. I sang Free Fallin and totally butchered it. Sorry Mr. Petty. I totally forgot the lyrics. I just learned the song and still don't have the lyrics burned in my brain. The good news it was open mic and not the grammy's. An Indian fortune teller told me that I would be famous one day. I prefer to remember that version of me. Change is coming and that is scary. Perhaps I prefer decaf. Yeah I think I do and I'm ok with that even if it's not kosher at the Unurban Cafe. 

Day 15 Scatter-brain

Today was kinda of hectic. I returned a few things that I bought for my Santa Monica Rig.  I have decided to abandon my current setup and buy an amp that runs on standard AA batteries. This will be the simplest setup. I think at a certain point that it's good to admit that you made a mistake and be willing to start over. I am stubborn so this is really hard for me. I went to Home Depot in Hollywood today. Wow, that place was insane. I also went to Santa Monica to get another performance license. Yesterday I discovered that I lost it. I was pretty upset. In order to play in the Santa Monica Promenade I need a performance license. Getting to Santa Monica was fine but the drive back was brutal. It took me an hour and a half to drive to get back home. Then I went to do my laundry. I was worried that I wouldn't make open mic in time. I was really in my head.  I raced to the open mic only discover that it wasn't going to start until 7:30pm. There was a poor crowd so they ended up started at 8 so I was worried over nothing. I performed pretty well. One guy asked where he could buy a song I sang. He said that it was in his head. That's a great compliment. I also found a parking spot and only had to pay $.25 for parking. Hell ya! After doing open mic I felt alot better. I need to slow down and stay present. When I don't do that life gets more challenging.

Day 13: Time for Bed.

There are a lot of great performers in LA and tonight was definitely proof of that. I went to the El Cid open mic and everybody was good. There were a few great performers.  I am not counting myself in that category yet. I think it's the best open mic in LA in terms of the performers being top notch.  Even the comedians were good which is rare at open mics in  LA at least in my experience. The bottom line is that you have to be good, really fucking good to make it. I feel like I'm getting there but tonight was a good reminder that I can't get complacent. I have to keep pushing.   On my way home tonight I passed a Home Depot so I decided to buy another inverter to test with my speaker that's been giving me trouble. The same problem persists. There is a hum in the speaker. I never thought it would go on this long. I pray for an answer. This is so frustrating. I am exhausted. I am let myself sleep in tommorow. I don't work till noon. I will be back at tommorow night.

Day 12: I Killed It Tonight.

Tonight I played at the Cantors open mic. I sang "My Love Rings True". Happy Mother Day Ma. Usually musicians only get one song but I got to play two.  I really sounded good tonight. I got a lot of compliments. There were a few girls who liked my performance who I hung out with for awhile. Tomorrow I have to get up with the birds so this will be a short entry but I wanted to say that it seems like the things that I need are being shown to me. I need to design website and somebody mentioned something called Freeway which is similar to iWeb. I am not a website designer so I need something that is easier to use. The other day a friend told me that I needed to get in shape. You know what he's right. I do. Not just so I can get a six pack but so I can have enough energy to get through the day and give great performances every time. So it's time to hit the hay. See you back here tomorrow.

Day 11: I Surrender.

Tonight I went to the Santa Monica Pier again and I figured out there are designated spots for performers. How do I know this? The cops told me to pack it up. Now I know. Luckily they didn't give me a ticket. Thank you SMPD. I did get a few genuine compliments from some people down there. On another note I saw a music supervisor I know today at my job. I told him what I am up to and he told I should start filming whatever I can. On the way home I filmed a clip of me talking. Wondering if I should post on Facebook or YouTube or anybody would care. I feel FB would own it. Maybe I shouldn't about that. Lastly a few people have asked "hey if you want somebody to accompany you to your gigs let me know. . Having support could be nice. Maybe I don't want to be judged. What if I have a bad night? It could happen. It already has. Some nights I'm exhausted and I'm not at my best. I guess there is a part of me that wants to go it alone but maybe that is a mistake. Perhaps of part of the challenge is let go of caring about what people think of me because this will always be a losing battle. It's all about surrender.

Day 10: One thing = EVERYTHING

I am doing this 90 day challenge for primarily spirtual reasons. I am a support group for money issues and this is part of that journey. My secret is out. Today I ran in the morning then went the Promenade. I forgot my guitar strap which never happens. I played anyways. I just sat down on the curb and started singing. There were a few people who seemed to really enjoy it. At one point there was a little girl who was dancing around enjoying the sound of my guitar. The point is that I am learning to continue and do what the task is at hand despite the challenges that arise. Tonight I went to the bar and I was talking a female who I thought was attractive. The conversation was good at first but it seemed to fizzle out. We kinda of moved on but later somebody said to me "Hey man, do you get that girls number, she was into you.I looked around for her for awhile and get advice from my friend. It occured to me that the 90 day challenge is just about music. It's really about everything. About becoming the person that I want to be. Just like performing with a strap and sitting on the curb, learning to ask for a women for there number despite the fear is something that I would like to get better at.

Day 8+ 9: $100 Tip

So tonight I went to the Unurban Cafe in Santa Monica for open mike but it turns out that it was just for comedians so I left. I saw somebody I recognized from an open mike a few nights before so I am getting to know the regulars. I drove down to downtown Santa Monica and walked to the Pier. There were no performers on the pier so I felt a bit odd about singing. I figure people were probably enjoying how quiet it was so I took a walk on the beach. I sat down with my guitar and started playing. I sang quietly. After a few minutes somebody walked by and they started to say that their friend was going to propose. The first thing I said was "oh, did you want me to move". The cute asian girl said "no, no I was actually hoping you could play. Oh wow, so this is how the universe works. So I played for a bit and then I told them I had to go because my parking was about to expire. The gentlemen who was about to propose handed me a $100 dollar and so I stayed to play.  I played at a distance. Good thing most of the songs I sing aren't love songs.  I suppose I haven't been lucky in love and that is reflected with the songs I sing,write.  Hopefully that will change. I have hope that it will. Anyways that is a different subject. So that was pretty cool. I have some thoughts generally about where I am at.  I am tired. Really tired. It is hard to sing well when your tired. A friend of mine made the suggestion that I should start working out. I agree. I need more energy and stamina to really be effective. Secondly hot tea is great for your voice. I should stop drinking coffee and replace it with tea. Coffee requires milk and dairy is generally bad for your voice. Lastly I lost my glasses tonight. Things happen in life and the better you deal with them the happier you stay. I would love to maintain a positive attitude even if things don't go my way.

Day 7 Caution: Parental Advisory.

So I tonight I went to the open mic at a cafe near downtown. The host didn't show up so one of the comedians decided to take over and get the show going. It started off with some comedians if you want to call them that. Comedy is difficult I'll give it that but there was little to laugh at. Then come they lowlight of the night. A deranged man in a suit got up there and started screaming in death metal like fashion. I am honesty still a little shaken from it. I don't know if I believe in hell but when gentlemen was screaming his balls off I thought he was possessed by the devil or something real fucked up. When it was time for me to sing I plugged in the PA and did my thing. I did alright. As I said I was a bit shaken. The PA was not the best and I think I was in my head a bit too much. Truth be told this is one of the worst open mics I've been to in LA but from a learning standpoint there is just as much to learn. Why is that you say? Well if you can deal with the shitty PA, the fact that nobody is paying attention, and the insane people that show up you can deal with just about anything. I suppose everybody likes to think of LA as this wonderland where everybody is happy all of the time and nobody has any problems. That version of LA only exists in the movies but if I can learn to comfortable amongst the crazies I will have learned something quite important. Man I have some aggression to get out. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So much for being laid back LA.

Day 6: Hollywood Open Mic are nuts.

Last night I played the open mic at Cantors. It's a famous deli in Hollywood. When I arrived there was only one person sitting at the end of the bar. We introduced ourselves. His name was . He was originally from St. Louis. We talked about music, Stanley Kubrick, and baseball. At one point an elderly man in a suit sat down and started talking to me. He was dressed pretty sharp. I thought he was going to offer to buy me a drink. Instead a few minutes later he asked for a $1 to play a few tunes on the jukebox. I said ok. It was only a dollar after all. It's funny you can never tell the phonies from the real deal in LA, at least not at first, but that's a whole different topic. It turns out he is a regular at Cantors and enjoyed his booze just a little too much. They bartender told me after he left that the night before he had actually shat his pants literally. I actually felt bad for the guy. He obviously needs help. While waiting for other people to arrive I talked a bit more with Zac and checked my Facebook notifications like 26.7 more times. As if every 3 minutes there would be a crazy amount of new action happening on FB. I met a guy there from Lake Placid. He just got divorced and was rediscovering life and music all over again. The host finally arrived at around 9. He played a song and then it was Zac's turn and then mine. I performed alright. I just came from work and I hadn't warmed up so my voice could have been better but ultimately I did it and that's what matters. I stayed around for another hour or so. The highlight or lowlight depending on how you look at it was a performer named Sr Jewish Rapper. She is a freestyle Rapper who says "oy vey" about every 30 seconds or so. It was humorous. I finished the night by chatting with Shane from Lake Placid. We talked about upstate NY and sports. It was an eventful evening as most open are in Hollywood are. At this point nothing would surprise me. Probably the greatest thing I get out of going to open mics is learning to be comfortable in any environment, with any PA, good, bad, or terrible. That's what there is to learn. The fact that they are nuts just makes it interesting.

I'm not wearing any underwear

It's true I'm not wearing any underwear. Last Wednesday I was supposed to have done laundry but in the rush to try and figure some equipment issues it never happened. Normally I wouldn't announce this to the world but I think it is a great analogy for where I'm at. Last night I played on the Santa Monica Pier. I walked around for a good 20 minutes trying to find a spot. Eventually I found my little nook. I set the guitar down, tuned up, and I was ready to go. Busking is a awkward thing. I feel like I'm invading peoples personal space. I feel naked. I feel like I don't have any underwear on. But something happened last night a few songs in. I started to feel relaxed and not care what people were thinking as they walked by. I let my voice do what it's supposed to. Was this the greatest performance in the history the Santa Monica Pier? No, I doubt it but for me it feel like a breakthrough. Tonight I plan on going to Cantors if I can make it there in time. If not it's off to the Promenade again. The challenging part about the Cantors open mic is the wait. You only play one song and sometimes the wait is quite long. I'm not very patient especially when waiting to perform. I just want to get up there and do it.  Also not spending lots of money is also a problem. Mmmmm. Corned beef of rye. Potatoe knish. Oh boy. Those are so good. I'm kind of going on a tangent here but the point is I'm learning and sometimes that's not comfortable. Maybe I'll see you Cantors. If so can you save me a seat?

Day 4

This morning somebody commented to me that i've come a long way in the last few years. In my head i'm thinking "really". I still have a B job and I'm working on my vision but often i feel so incomplete. Often I feel like I am covering up this giant hole that I don't want the world to see. Oops, my secret is out. It's strange that the hardest person to see is yourself. Why is it that I can give great advice to somebody else but I can't take my own advice. I suppose it's like John Lennon says "Life is what happens when your busy making other plans. I am always focused on the end goal when really life happens during the journey. Why is so hard to be happy in the moment? I think it has to do with expectations and making assumptions about what certain situations mean. I feel like a baseball player whose trying to hit a home run but when he's at the plate he forgets that he is at the plate. Often times a single is just as good as a home run. I need to remember that. What does it mean if somebody says that they don't like my music? I usually make it mean everything but the more enlightened version of me would say "ok, so they don't like my music, no big deal, I know there is an audience for what I do". Knowing and doing are a whole different thing. The journey continues with and without my guitar in my hands.

Day 3. Why am I doing this?

This morning I woke up and meditated for 10 minutes. I felt peaceful. I kept telling myself to stay present and not let my head take over. I debated on whether to go to Autozone and deal with battery issue that I've been having related to my Santa Monica performances. When playing in the street there is no power, hence a car battery is needed. I decided to deal with that after I performed. So I drove down the 10W through typical LA traffic. It was slow but it was moving as they say here in the big city. I got there around 9:30am. Somewhere between my house and driving I started to feel anxious again. So I sat in the car for a moment and tried to ground myself. It seemed to make little difference. I walked back to the spot where I played yesterday and it was taken. I walked through a busier section and my mind said to me " You don't want to play there, there's too many people". Now I'm sure your thinking, your a performer that doesn't make any sense. I know it doesn't. Even though people have told me "Wow Jeff, your really good". I am still insecure at times. I always feel like I'm never quite there. Writing this is actually pretty liberating. When people are walking by when I'm playing in the Promenade sometimes my head is saying some nasty things to me. So you ask what is the point of all this. Why am I doing this? It's about spiritual growth and it is about staying present. About being in the moment. When I stay in the moment during my performances I always do well and if I make a mistake I'm able to self correct it quickly. When I'm not in the moment I forget lyrics, make a wrong turn on the freeway, I sing without passion, appear disinterested, and in general things don't go the way that I hoped they would.
But there is a silver lining in all of this. I am at least aware that I struggle staying present. According to Eckard Tolle, one of my favorite spirtual teachers, this is the first step.

Day 2.

I didn't sleep much last night. Yesterday was a tough day. I  was testing my equipment for when I perform at the Santa Monica Promenade when I discovered a problem. No sound. Aaaahhhhhh! Yes that is how I felt. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. I don't know much about Car Batteries and inverters. Since there is no power you have to bring your own hence the car battery and inverter.  So I went out to buy an inverter. I showed my current one to the salesman and he said that my thingamabobber was needing replaceing. Well not exactly that terminology but that's what it sounded like to me. On the way home I convinced myself to buy another inverter as mine was looking pretty ragged. I should have probably prefaced this by saying I used to play in Santa Monica years ago but I haven't done in years so that's why I had the right equipment. Who has a spare car battery and power inverter hanging around? Well I do. So went to Kmart and bought one. I came home thinking finally it's going to work. I plugged it in and nothing. All I heard was a nasty hum. So at this point I quickly ate a sandwich, took a shower and got ready for my open mic. On my way to the open mic I went bought to the Autozone and had them test my battery. Some relief. Finally. When I got to the open mic I was tired and very pissed off. Needless to say I was not myself and did not perform up to my standards. I usually stay to watch everybody but I was just done. Do you think I'm crazy yet. It's ok if you do. I felt crazy. I think it's those demons coming out. So I left. When I got home I tested out my new battery. I was excited. Thinking this is it, it's finally going to work! So I hooked it up and poof.  Nothing.  All I heard was that same nasty hum that I heard before. I'm not sure what the lesson is today. Some days things just don't work. Luckily there is always tommorow and that's what keeps us going. At least it does for me. After speaking with a good friend of mine I have decided to still go down to Santa Monica and perform with no amplification. At first I thought he was crazy but it's about the commitment no matter what. Speaking of commitment before bed last night I watched the ESPN 30 for 30 doc on Terry Fox. In the 80's he ran all across Canada on one leg. Now that is hard. He had roll with the punches on a daily basis. Facing different obstacles at every turn. I must do the same.

Day 1

Day 1:  There is a lot emotion surrounding this 90 day challenge. There is fear of failure. What if I forgot a lyric or miss a day, or show up to a open mic that's been canceled. There is fear of success. What if the opposite happens and people love me. With success comes responsibility and that is equally scary. I don't want to disappoint people. I suppose that's something I need to get over but I'll save that for my therapist. Ha! Just kidding.  So you see this challenge is so much more then picking my guitar and singing my heart out, although I will do that to. It is about life and overcoming those inner demons that have stopped me in my tracks. That voice in my head says that you can't do it. This challenge is about saying "Fuck you" to that voice. It's about fearing the fear and doing it anyways. I think so much of time I find myself trying to be what I think the world wants from me. When I stop to think about it's really ridiculous but I don't think that I'm alone. At some point I would love to feel free enough to just be. No acting, no inner monologue, Just pure me. There is a lot of noise in the world and getting underneath all that is where I think the magic is. It's all a process. Music and Life.  For tonight I will be playing at the Pig N Whistle open mic. I have been there many times. Should be no big deal. There are many other places I haven't been that will ruffle my feathers but for now I am going to take it one day at a time and really that is the only way to be.            -Jeff Michael